It was cold. It was windy. And, dammit, it was raining. We were on day 3 of this bullshit. The worst part? It was February in Florida, and I was craving warmth and sunshine with two friends so much so that I even took off a day of school for this. That’s how badly I needed it.
Why? Well, I had just gotten spit out of a turbulent holiday season. December and the beginning of January just about squashed my soul. The trifecta from hell:
- recovering from an ACL replacement and meniscus repair surgery,
- a broken right, writing hand
- getting dumped
In fact, I blogged a trifecta of posts about this difficult time for me.
The anecdote? A weekend away in the sun. Well that was a bust. But the trip wasn’t. Like I said, I was with friends, and we know how to Carpe Diem. A bit of day drinking, great food consuming, a raincoat allowing adventures amongst the mangroves and along the beach strolling, and, naturally, a visit to a psychic offering a reading. That is when lightning struck.
My appointment was part unbelievable and mostly disturbing. This is the 2nd psychic visit since my dad died in 2019, and both psychics told me that I was difficult to read because I was so blocked. Blocked? WTF? I write gratitude journals while holding healing crystals then read affirmation and manifestation cards everyday. How can I be blocked? Anyway, the first psychic actually gave me a gift card to return because she had almost nothing to offer me. This one had plenty to say but that the details would be limited due to serious blocks. How do I unclog them? I will get to that soon enough…
After telling me how blocked I am, she asked, “Are you retired or retiring soon?”
“Um, not even close.” Here we go again…a reading with no insights because of my blockage.
“Well you will be retired in some increment of 3: 3 days, 3 months, or 3 years?” Three is a pretty powerful number in my world.
“3, huh? Wow. Decades do you mean?” I can’t retire anytime soon without making serious lifestyle spending cuts. And that ain’t happenin’. I like the travel adventures and other shenanigans that my two teaching jobs afford me wayyy toooo much. And that stuff isn’t cheap.
“No. Soon. And it will because of somebody or something masculine with the initial J. One with whom you may have had a past. I recognize that there are many. But this one is different because this one did not disappoint you. Is there coming to mind that fits this description? Or it could be somebody new. Like I said, things are a bit hazy.”
“No, but my dad’s name is John.” And so is just about every other male in my life. And that one man. The one I loved despite his lack of availability. Most disappointed, I realized, as I took inventory.
I actually reached out to the unavailable one and asked if he was planning to be my J Name Savior in the next 3 years…his response? “Um. Either me or Jay-Z, and I guess I am the more likely candidate.”
Well, I happen to think that Jay-Z is more likely than him. I hit him back with “JK. I don’t need no mans.” And then we laughed because he knows as well as I do that Jay-Z is way more likely than him to save me. It’s nice when you can admit the truth to yourself, even when it hurts. Wait, save me from what? Work? I love my job. This all makes no sense.
Back to the psychic…
“Nope, nobody else is popping to mind whose name begins with J and who hasn’t disappointed me. The two lovely ladies I am with both have names that begin with J.”
“Well perhaps you haven’t met him yet because this J is definitely masculine, and I am getting a strong sense that it is, or will be, a love affair.”
“OK. I have a difficult time that this retirement thing will pan out in three years due to a man. Do you have people say that and then return in three years and say, ‘OMG, I can’t believe that came true?'”
She laughed in response. No confirmation but no denial either. She said, “Ok, moving on. There is a man who is on your mind. You have recently separated. He didn’t want that but he had to do it. You think that he did it because he wanted to and that he is now relieved to be free of you, but that is not the case. He is just as sad as you. He wishes it could be different. And one day it will be. You are twin flames. It will come back around, possibly as soon as the spring.”
Kyle. One letter away from J. A B C D E F G H I J K…
And twin flames? Now, I really liked him. He and I had a nice time together but, to be honest, although I was crushed and shouldn’t have been surprised at the break up, I was. But twin flames? Naw, I would have never claimed that.
Kyle. I suffered from anxiety and even noticed signs of anxious attachment in myself when I was with him. We dated for a year. Dated. We never spend more than a day/night together at a time. Our (I now realize MY) big hope was for us to make each other a priority by respecting the relationships that were already established as important in our lives. We would support the fostering of those relationships, while also sculpting and shaping our own meaningful, non-traditional relationship. Non-traditional in that it would unfold slowly, deliberately, not in a whirlwind. And not with a million life changes that would make each other the center of our worlds. As 50 something year olds, our lives are already full and complicated. Why add to this layer? Why not respect it instead and enjoy the time we can offer one another. Include one another when it works, respect each other when it doesn’t.
This was a challenge for me though, even though it was absolutely what I wanted. It was a challenge (and I believed the source of my anxiety) because I was used to men who wanted to swallow me whole. We seek and feel most comfortable with the circumstances that we are used to, even though we desperately want to change them. Change ignites and agitates our nervous system in a scary way, even when the change is positive.
I got confused. Was this anxiety about this change or was this intuition telling me “Things aren’t right” for another reason? I actually consulted my therapist about this dilemma and worked to differentiate between the two types of anxiety: fear based on past experiences versus fear based on intuition. The first one should be addressed. Discomfort will accompany a change like that. The second one should be heeded as a serious warning.
The men of past serious relationships made me their world and wanted the same in return, which I never had to offer. So I got berated for that. They wanted all of me, and they wanted to be my priority. But I wanted balance. I insisted (and fought to maintain) all of the relationships to hold an equal weight of importance. This caused problems with prior relationships but became a non negotiable with any new one moving forward. Kyle agreed.
In retrospect, he always agreed but never offered any paths or plans. I always did. It took him dumping me for me to realize that I was doing all of the talking and planning. He didn’t because he just wasn’t that into me. Or, as the psychic suggested fearful of closeness. Either way. And that was my real source of anxiety. My body knew it. The truth was physically hurting me. Once I admitted it to myself, thanks to his courage to call it quits, the physical pain immediately dissipated, and I was able to begin healing the emotional pain of loss and grief. I can take that anyday over crippling anxiety that beats the belly with tidal waves of turbulence.
Anxiety in the belly is intuition. That is what I learned. I can easily identify it now. Hopefully.
So what this psychic was saying was quite a surprise.
You know what else she said? She said, “You know that you could do what I am doing right now. You have the intuition also.”
“Yes, I do know that.” And my intuition (anxiety in the gut) was warning me about Kyle also. He wasn’t emotionally available in the way I needed and deep down, I knew it. But I also didn’t (don’t) know how to receive emotional availability. Because my blocks kept me from that.
Now I know why I went on so many shitty dates-my vibe was attracting that. I must have done something healing to put a crack in my heart to have attracted Kyle. He may not have been emotionally available, but he certainly wasn’t shitty. He exuded kindness through his eyes. He had a sexy passion for music, food, beer, and his kids. Those things attracted me to him. But, on the flipside, the hurt caused by our breakup sent me to Florida, to the psychic, and now closer to healing of my heart.
The next thing the psychic said was “But you have a serious block. It’s in your heart chakra. You need to do a past life regression to heal it. That is the only way. You and Kyle were brought together in this life to made aware of challenges that you are both experiencing and actually heal them, because you have been down this path in another life. You weren’t able to work it out. You could this time, if you are willing to do the work.”
Past Life Regression. Geez. Disturbing, right? I all about the woo-woo stuff but come on…and by the way, would we actually be healing this hurt from the past in the lifetime or in another to come? How can I know? Is the journey worth it one way or the other? Time shall tell…will looking into my past lives create a brighter future for this life? Who doesn’t want full access to our world’s greatest commodity, love?
And the psychics’ closing words were, “And that will round out your 3rd (power of 3) significant relationship in your life.” Well, I had the guy from my youth, the one I dated for years and years and years, on and off. Then I had my 15 year marriage. And then who? Doug? Kyle? I wasn’t sure if either of them counted as significant–what qualifies a relationship in that way? A certain amount of time? Personal growth? Experiences? What a great question. Have I had that third? Or is he yet to come? Will he be J or K?
Well guess what I was doing 3 days after I got home from rainy Florida? You’ve got it: a past life regression meditation. Lightning struck and I am healed. I am in love!
JK. Just Kidding. I am in the middle of the process. Yes, process. Turns out you can’t do it once and get a healthy heart chakra diagnosis. There is no lightning quick fix. My heart is still blocked. I can feel it. Awareness is a gift. And I am working toward a heart ready and willing to receive love each and everyday.
JK–My Savior: Just Keep on…doing meditations, writing, showing gratitude, reflecting, learning, healing, and loving the best way that I know how. The real strike of lightning is that the power to ignite change is in my hands.
Maybe I should retire in 3 years and become a psychic. JK. Just kidding; I already have a job shaping the future.
Does anybody have any past life regression stories to share? Drop them in the comments, please and thank you.
Suddenly Single Again 
I love this Dorothy! JK, LBGQ… RSTUVWXY and Z! The awesome writing (and visuals below) , always humor me that continue on your insightful Journey to stay open, maybe try to figure a few things out, and keep on keeping on with fun adventures along the way. So happy to have you in my life , continue to learn from one another , and share in our life experiences along the way (even though my name has no J in it)! ❤️
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